anything.

being this poor is so worrisome. it's so hard not knowing when money will come in. the waiting is horrid. the disconnection notices are complete - every utility company has sent us one now. there is so much to pay for and so little money to do it with?

i'm scared and i feel sorry for my daughter. this is not responsible living. it's a good thing that i am still breast feeding her and we are still eating well. we're lucky she has not gotten sick yet, as many infants do. we did not have to make midnight trips to the emergency room. we did not have to buy tons of medicine. so in that sense, i'm thankful.

but i'm still scared.

again - i wonder how single moms can do this? i have so much respect for the single mothers out there that are raising children on their own. i send out my love to you.

i'm lucky enough to have my boyfriend with me. i don't know if i show him enough. i probably don't. i mean to. i really do.

i'll do anything to give my daughter what she needs and wants. i want to give her a big, cool, clean, safe house for her to wander around and learn in. i want to give her a big, clean yard for her to play in and maybe develop a liking for plants and flowers. i never wanted for her to grow up in front of the tv, cooped up in her bedroom because this is the only area in the house where the temperature is cool because of the air conditioner and we can't afford to air condition the other parts of the house. we need money. i feel like my dreams for my 6 month old daughter are crushed because this isn't how i dreamed it would be.

there isn't a thought more mortifying to me than failing to provide/protect/care far/love etc. my daughter. forever. this fear will never go away until i'm dead. and even then i pray that whatever energy my soul or whatever is made of goes to providing/protecting/caring for/loving her for the rest of her life.

i need work. i'm willing to do anything. anything.