Pilot

My daughter is so beautiful.

And I know that it's possible that all mothers think that about their children. Good. If  every mother feels the same amount of love and happiness as I feel for my daughter, then that's a great thing.

I don't know how some mothers raise their babies on their own. Motherhood is hard. If my boyfriend weren't around to help me, I don't know what I'd do. Her dad loves her just as much as I do, and that makes me feel safe. I'm blessed. And as high as it sounds, I feel divinity whenever I get to chance my sight upon them sleeping, cuddled next to each other. Or when I catch him holding her up in the air. I see pure, innocent, genuine happiness. It's so moving and lovely, it has to be what divinity is. Allow yourself to be put in awe by something like this. It's indescribably powerful. I did not do anything special in life to deserve this. I'm so grateful.

You have to know good to recognize bad. It seems as though good and bad exist because of each other.

I hope to always show her what is good. I will try to show her what is right. It scares me, though, that just because I try to be perfect for her, she might refuse it. But I have to try. I will try.

How hard is that though? I mean, I'm talking massive reform. I have so much ugly in me. Hopefully, everyone has ugly in them because I don't want to be the only one. I have characteristics in me that would make the world a better place if I just lost them.

I'm so quick to talk. I'm too analytical. I try too hard to see people's intent behind their actions, searching for bad intent. I'm lazy.

But overall, I think I'm a good person. At least, I want to be. Especially now that I have a little girl that will see the way I act and possibly try to copy me. That is so much responsibility.

And all parents have it! We all have the responsibility to do good for our children. I'm glad I share that huge task with my boyfriend. I know he wants to be good, too. We have so many dreams for our family. I hope we can achieve them. Nothing about them is bad at all.

A safe, comfortable house that my daughter could proudly call home.

Enough money that we don't have to budget too hard every time we grocery shop. Enough for all our needs plus a little extra for the occasional vacation or shopping spree.

To be with our children enough to establish the right amount of concern, respect and trust between us. To have a strong family with everyone's head on straight.

How do I get that?

I guess I just have to do it.

She is still asleep. I've been keeping her in bed with me, instead of her crib. I think she sleeps better in such circumstances. I love the feeling of her beside me. I love that I'm the first thing she sees when she wakes up. From her conception, I wanted to do her good. Even before that. I yearned for her. I knew that I needed her. As if the future me would drop into the past me's conscience and subliminally tell me that she needed me to be her mommy. As high as it sounds, that is how much I needed to get her.

All of a sudden, I saw that everything that happened in my life was just the unfolding of her getting to me. Everything bad, and everything good. It was just supposed to be. She needed me and the universe, so knowing, gave her to me.

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This is for me, mostly. This will be where I will let my gazillion thoughts out into the universe. Most things on here will, hopefully, be good. Some things might offend people - which I do not intend. Some things will be fake. But I'll always try to be real. Be myself. And I might not be happy with myself sometimes. But I swear I'll always try to be better.

By the way, everything I post on here is fiction - my imagination at work.